The next illustration is started, I tell
Recently I removed one tooth. It was an eighth tooth. It was rising incorrectly, and actually it was able to create more problems. So now after surgery (yeah, it was a real surgery!) I feel a great pain, which disables me from doing anything! This is really hard to stand, I take painkiller each two-four hours. All the day I feel down, my mood was bad because of the pain and stitches inside my mouth. So as I had no ability to work normally, I have been listening for my online creativity course (of Coursera and Penn State). There I found so many useful techniques of Ideation, that I am now so much eager to apply them all!
So I decided to create a new illustration, today I was sketching my ideas on paper (just after finishing all other stuff and the courses). There are words only by the moment, some images in my head. I tried to apply the technique of concept tree, then free association, but I did not like how it worked in illustration idea creation. So I invented my own technique of choosing a random word and asking situational questions. I tried to cried as much controversies as I could to make this idea crazy. Like all illustrators try to do
So I hope this illustration will work out. Now I want to choose the tools I am going to use. I think, still I should use acrylic paints (because I have so much good paper here, which I doubt I should bring with me…) I MUST USE AS MUCH GOOD ARTISTIC PAPER AS I CAN! I even do sketches on it…
To fulfil my project requirement I am placing an image of my last Adobe Illustrator lesson from DevianArt. I have changed some options in this lesson in order to make the creature more funny and interesting
Upgrade? I suppose so…
At last I am done with the big blogging task and can return to my usual posting schedule here.
I can say the new step in my life is started. There is time for big changes coming, I can not try to avoid it. Unfortunately, It should not be done. Why unfortunately? Because the changes which were awaited by me, could not happily met with by my family and all my relatives. Now I am about stay far from them. I want to promise them that I will try my best to make this distance physical only.
I have one month to be prepared. I can not even imagine, right one month after I will be at another part of the earth, most probably sleeping. I will wake up a week after or a month after with a thought: “Oh my god! Still I am here!” This seems impossible now. I can not even understand it now. We live our lives normally. But I know that I need to be prepared.
One month after I will be solving two crucial problems: education and job. I am thinking of upgrading this blog to a premium website to be able to put my portfolio, CV and contacts here. I need to brave for this, because I have never been creating websites so seriously. If the idea is really good, I must do it right away, because I have one month to make it really working. When I come to my new occupancy, I might become very busy. (I hope for this)
I think creating websites on wordpress should not be too difficult, should it? Anyway, I hope it can be a good start for me… It must be a good start! I suppose, tomorrow or day after tomorrow the blog will be upgraded and big building will start…
Wish me good luck?…
I try now to pursue coursera.com Creativity, Innovation and Change course. As far as I am now on academic leave in my academy, because I now change my residency status, I just need to study something. Actually the program of self-education is so big, that I literally have no time for anything else!!! Speaking about my plans, I must proceed with learning Adobe Illustrator, I want to start improving my Photoshop capacities, Autocad, Corel Draw and so on… All the time I learn any new thing about any software I get so inspired!!! Computers work so well!!! What I know, we understand each other with computer as well as husband and wife but we are now on the track to know each other better
Today I was trying for one exercise for the course on coursera. The purpose of the exercise was to survive through failure and build the tallest structure using one A4 sheet of paper. On Pinterest I uploaded my tryings. As it is so late now, I decided to put the phograph of my tower instead of my usual sketch. The structure is build of one sheet of paper. There is no glue and no scotch. All the connections are created of paper. The hight of the structure rised up to 45 santimeters
To be honest I did not like the creative style they estimated for me. I was hoping I was less conservative. But I am here to develop the level to the sky one. Although what I can not argue with, I like comprehensive technical tasks, and I feel more free when I know the frames. When people do not know what they want, it means they have the most stcrict view. The people simply like nothing!!!!
Personal vs Business
It could seem I forget this blog. This is not quite true. What happened during this time? Many things and one thing only.
Who am I? I am the same person as I was before. But my life will never be the same.
This is my business blog, around business. I am a designer and I need to make some order here. Some posts are in Russian and description is in Russian yet. Maybe that is a problem, that I do not know where personal staff ends and business starts. I like to take everything personal. I wish to make it as my feature. A person who has no secrets from the world.
In my Russian blog I started a series of entries about what was going on last year up to the moment. Why is it important? Because my life will never be the same. Life of my family and life of my future children. Last week I got an immigration visa. Next month I am leaving from here. Being the same human, I will live another life. I am excited and scared at the same time. So, what can I say… The story is coming, it could be too personal, or not. But this is me. A human who has no secrets
And wants to tell a lot…
Why entertainment again?!!!
Interesting, how I wanted to study and work this day! I wanted to do a tiring work of uploading pictures. Then I remembered about my trip to Moscow and that I have to make a certain plan about that. But, zg_bella asked me to go to a cinema and I was not able to refuse. then Dasha told that today was the last chance to show her pictures from Malasia before my trip!!! So from the cinema I went to Dasha and spent whole day with her!!! Only evening I came home to make the plan. Now at the middle of the night I write this post because I want to respect my promise!!!!
So I am going to Moscow in one-two Days!!! (excluding this day one!!!!)
worriyng and wanting to sleep so much!
promises and spendings
My days are getting to be in less and less meaning. It seems for me that I do nothing at all. I never struggle with thoughts of what should I do, but nowadays I look at my clocks so often. Inside I feel better when It comes to evening. Erik told that everything has its own time to happen. I try to do anything useful. Somehow everything I do escapes form my control and appears with unexpected results.
It is easier just to sit and do nothing….
Is it depression? I have no reason for that. I hope I have. But not yet.
I have the sun above my head, It shines and gives my big hope, I raise hands toward the sun – PLease, bless me!!! and I will change the world…
Help me wait this week!!
I am in worries overall. it is hard to do anything. Now it seems easier just sit and wait for something, watching at one point on a wall. I paint in kitchen, having so much problems with paints, which could not stay on the walls. I try my best, at the same try I try to meditate in this work. Learning Adobe Illustrator and painting in kitchen I find my rest from this crazy world. I need to reach mastery in my meditation. Now the environment seems tries to keep me normal as possible. Still I collect some papers, what takes sometimes half a day of waiting. Rest time i paint in kitchen and study. Akshay helps me a lot…..
But still I feel beaten. Hands want to set in pray, want to touch something, which is intangible. At the same moment I want time to happend, but so much afraid of my nearest future. Ommm!…
hands Maria Degtyareva, pencil 2013
I told Akshay that I wanted to watch a movie. Few minutes after he wrote me that he wass coming home to do it. I feel confused as he supposed to do research now!!! and do not know whether to forse him to go back or watch a movie so late night….
a gossip about romantic
Yesterday I did one thing!!! I forgot to make an entry and post a new sketch. I can even correct myself, I did not managed so! Actually I was so busy with my family (Akshay and me) weekend online. I have taken a beuatiful dinner together and the whole evening we were trying to play a multiplayer computer game. It was my favorite game from childhood named Nox. I was so excited first to install, to see how everything works somehow with my new computer!!! Just amazing. But after four hours of common trying we had to give up and forget about this game. Now I am thinking to try The world of Warcraft, but I am not sure that it is free to play. And definitely I do not know how to set up online games!!! So next time we will watch a movie Nuovomondo and try World of Warcraft. It appears that Akshay has never played any computer games, because he did not have a computer before his Macbook!! Anyway, when we will meet again, we have our computers and common IP(network) so we can try this. Zg_bella, let’s try to play Nox together? I have the installation file.
And my sketch, which shows my current state of mind about coming to Moscow next week.
The fail with meaning and one promise
I just polished my nails and while it is getting dry, I am writing this post.
today I have done many things. As my stencil is printed, I started the work, but I finished all the stuff with the stencil on walls, I have noticed that new paint can be removed so easily with water! I realized that there was acrilyc enamel on the wall and I applied acrilyc paint above!!!! If I knew about enamel base paint, I would never buy acrilyc paint, or at least I would consult with the seller. I called to the paint center and asked about my case. He suggested to wait one more day for complete drying of the acrilyc paints. If it would not work, I will have to buy a new can of acrilyc enamel! I am disappointed so much! Because I do not have much time to wait, and I did not want to make the mistake. I could not even imagine, that there was enamel, because it looked exactly like acrilyc paint!! Even the smell was the same!!! So I will try tomorrow I had so much ambitions about tomorrow work!
What I understand about this. It happens so much in art, in any work actually. When You did so much, or paid much money, and somehow you realized that it overall was a huge mistake. The entire result should be cancelled and The work should be started again. I think, this should be taken easy, whatever you did, was a great experience, you should just take everything from this experiment, be flexible and use the gotten result to apply for the new work.
I hope anyway, I would be able to cover the new paint with fresh layer of enamel and protect the acrilyc paint from removal, saving the texture.
Also I decided that I must do one thing. I must to draw sketches EVERY day and upload the result of each day into the internet. Maybe it will not appear in my blog everyday, but I must upload each day into my desk in Pinterest. Regardless of how bad it is. This is my punishment for being so unscrupulous about sketches.
Today I went to my orthodont and knew the mystery of the centure there!! How they will move my teeth with the braces system… In my case they change the arc each time. Each next arc is different from one another. Actually, I wear braces for one month only. but it seems situation in my mouth has already changed so signally. I have now many gaps between teeth (I really do not know where the space came from, I had high density of teeth).
I like the subject related with stomatology. Dasha, my friend, is a dentist student. After her classes she tells me a lot of stories about different cases and facts. Maybe because my teeth are not good enough and it could not sustain against carries. I am mad about saving them! I brush them for long time 4 times per day, use dental floss, sometimes I use a special liquide, now I got a new fluoride gel
Now, having braces on, I am afraid so much about its health. I pray it will not be totally destroyed after getting them off.
Today was a real holiday. Somehow! Yes, I just wrote that I do not holidays, because it pauses my work, but today I met my very good friend (I can say my best friend:) yes, I have Dasha also). Her name is Katya, she applied in Saint-Petersburg and got a government tuition waiver and scholarship! Yes, she is pretty smart It was so nice to meet her today and talk so much about everything. Of course we have not managed to discuss everything completely!! Just a few topics. I do not meet with friends so often, we all have so much work and study! And each time we meet our life is totally changed! She moves to Saint-Petersburg, and I do not think she will come back to live in Novosibirsk again, only for holidays and vacations. We do not know about our future. In a week she is going in Kazakhstan to her friend’s marriage and at the same time she is going in Saint-Petersburg. We has a connected flight in Moscow, where I also go at the same time. I have a few businesses there in Moscow, and at the night she comes I will be there. So I am going to wait for her connected flight with her. It means I will spend less time in the flat of the friend, where I asked to live. I hope that would be better for everyone As far as I can not tell anything about my future, I am afraid the meeting might be our last one, I hope we will massege each other more when she moves. I do not have much friends, and everyone is about to leave the city (as Katya said, after Saint-Petersburg Novosibirsk is like a town)
Today is Sunday and it means that all business is stopped for weekends. That is almost disappointing, I am always sad, because of any delays. I like when everything goes smoothly and quickly, but weekends make things going slowly. Imagine, any facility is closed, post office is closed, any troubleshooting service is closed. I remember, when I applied to universities, I have been communicating with department staff every night!!! But on weekends all my communication was paused, because these happy workers were taking rest! But I was restless and worried! and now also, when so many things could proceed? I can not receive anything. I know that for time I have left, I have not much stuff to make with people, who work somewhere. Just the agency still prints my pattern for kitchen!!! So much time!!! I could already start and be busy with painting. Painting is also a meditation, relaxing therapy for any stress. I need my pattern so much. At least, in wall painting I can feel myself as a professional. O.K., maybe not best professional, but I am totally sure what I am going to do next moment or how to resolve many issues on walls.
Again, I wait for business days, to proceed with everything. Even I do not like weekends, but I have it somehow!!!
My anxiety is getting higher somehow. Some words I hear or read can make me worried so much. The time is getting closer and closer. I am afraid that in this awaiting shakes I can forget anything. Or I will not do something. I want to keep my usual life. I am trying so as much as I can. We both pray to our universe for better end. What is most interesting, it seems that Akshay is calm like breathing yogi! Maybe he just masks so capably!
I do my stuff almost as efficient as I do in average. That is good. Maybe I loose too much time for stuff. I have no idea how to deal with my current state of mind. All I do are drawing, reading books and practicing yoga. I should promise that the next week I do some posts about my travel to India with Akshay, which happened this June. There are so many stories which I can tell. So I will make a few posts. Next week I will start.
By the way, I have created a new livejournal account, especially for translating my Russian wordpress blog into. I wrote about the blog recently. It is quite empty so far, because the blog itself is new. Welcome there if you would like to read in Russian. The content of these two blogs will be slightly or completely different, not a traslation. However, I think posts about recent events, I would like to put in both of them.
After my last illustration entry, I was kind of out of ideas. It was pretty sad, because I always considered myself as a creative person. (In my opinion, If I would think so, I will be so) However, all these days in my drawing time I was sitting in front of a blank page, trying to get something from my own head. But I had no success at all! Sometimes I checked social websites, saw what other people do, found their progress is much better then mine, and return to the same page again, totally disappointed! Three days I was not able to imagine what exactly I wanted to draw!!! Maybe my conditions made that with me, I became a machine, productive but senseless!
And I wrote in my daily planner: IDEA! TODAY! MUST! BE!
And It came! So easily, like all my ideas throughout my life come to me. Like someone just accurately put it on abaft of my head and left unnoticed. and I simply drew what I wanted to see. Now I need to develop my personages and correct the composition as like it happens in my mind.
This is my ‘August keeper’, a person who will take care about this month. Nice personage, she is making calmning breath for me and for everyone around!
The illustration is done
So long It seems I have not written anything. Again and again I think about everything, I correct my views. Each time it seems more and more right. I noticed that when I make my plans very comprehensive and strict – things go better with me. And the more details I include in my plan – the better the plan works. It seems that kind half of my day I spend in planning, but the result worths it. Maybe I just like to complete everything. I abandoned in hurrying up. I try to stay calm and try to not be in hurry. This is life, actually I already live. I study and the better I study – the better my work will be afterwards. So now I try to be accurate and work for my ideas. I decided not to worry about rejections on projects which I get but I spend the time for studying new things and doing the same work for home. I was thinking why my kitchen work stucked at begining point(as I have sketch only) I forgot to include that in my plan. Now I am going to write down the point also! Because I have one more room which I owe to my family!!!
I have finished the illustration, which I posted a sketch of recently. This was an illustration for a very sad song of Samsas Traum – Heute nacht ist mein Tag (Today is not my day??) I hope that feeling of the creature is understable and readable. I remember the time, when the song was exactly about me. So I can say that this illustration is quite sensitive for me.
Whatever result of the month I get, I will write an entry about everything what happened for last two years. It will be useful for some group of people anyway
It seems for coming month I am going to be a crazy artist doing whatever he wants. If no one will employ me again. I decided that my problem is the poor portfolio. I must enrich it with many new illustrations! I must draw. Now I make a plan for a few new illustrations of each type: paints, vector and raster images. Remembering of everything I must do more, which are painting the kitchen, making a movie-present to my fiance( i hope I will finish it, I always forget!!!), making a present to my fiance’s birthday!! All these tasks are so volumetric! Days are so short! somehow I can not sit for long time. I need to spend my energy! Maybe that is a summer problem.
By the way, here is sketch to my illustration: aquarell is coming, I am searching for the best castle on the background and better postures for the roundelay people.
I need to make my next list. August is coming. P.S. From now this blog is going to be English only. The Russian version is here. I am going to connect the Russian version to another journal in Livejournal and connect it in the same manner. But later.
I am trying to stay here day by day. I would like to include here many -many of my scetches, but it seems I always have no time to finish one small sketch. At this time I need to learn how to be more efficient. There are only big projects and everything I have now is small work drafts and templates. I am about to start the actual work on this project. I have a task of painting on a wall in a kitchen. Later I will post photographs of the room and how I work on this. By the moment the vector template is ready, I need to ptint it and start to work with hands. And I am really excited about that! As last days I am so much worried with things are not directly related with job, I can not complete much in periphery. Such as sketches. Again and again I remind myself about my permanent dream to start making colorful skecthbook at least one time per two or three days!!!! And what prevents me from that!!!! I do not know. I should stand easier! I should read inspirational entries for myself to make mysef doing. That is it!
what a day!
Today nothing happened!
Only needed to take my school transcript from the Academy, where I study. When I came there, they told that they have NO RIGHT to give me the paper! But I almost convienced them to give. Tomorrow I will go there and I will do whatever is in my power to take the document. Now I just do whatever I can. What ever I am able to do. I know it sounds strange now, but each and every action this month can be one more step in my fight for my goal. I wish to help my fortune, I wish to help myself in being best.
Each day is important, each day is one accurate step. Step to where? Step to being complete: to my love and to my career.
Imagine, one and half years ago there was only one part. Career. Today there are we and our lives. And we are having great opportunity.
Universe, help us!!!
That is a very strange feeling, when you do not know even a close future. What to say, nowadays I feel so stressed and reluctant to do anything. Nothing is certain. Just two months ago seemed I knew everything about my life, how I will study, work, communicate… Since that time my plans changed two times, each time was crutial. Some tell I have great oppurtunities, but I am afraid of that, I am afraid of thinking.
I want to belive in these opportunities, and I will change the world!
After infinity again
There are so much time passed again after my previous post, and please God give me power to finish this one!
Something should be changed in my life, because I can not already understand where is my true reality and where is my dream. one month left and I will answer this question. My task is waiting for me, I am glad I have it, otherwise my mood would as down as floor. Now I must paint in kitchen. Again I make a promise to contact the world with blogs and vlogs but somehow I can not manage it. That is mystery how people can do it along with job and home tasks. I should study this. By the moment I can organise my notebook only. It is time to organise my life. Vlog is probably not a good idea for me. It seems writing is much easier, even though I have more videos in Youtube. Probably. I should make another blog also for another language, mixing in the manner is not proper. I hope I’ll do it.
Have a good day, World!
the New 2013 resolutions
thousand time I started the blog again and again. Will it work at least? I never know. this time, i think that is not important, I want just to keep on working and do just what could drive me forward.
I know I am able to do many things. I have many ideas actually. Unfortunately, day is too short to complete everything! and I could not finish anything…. On my observation, I could say that is a common problem for anyone. Yeah, that is humanistic and we have to live with that. What should I do? How to cope that this question? Any ideas?… I have one for that! I should make a list of resolutions, statements of inspirations, roster of rules and regulations. Sounds ridiculously. You are a human but you make a program like you were a robot!!! Yeah, that is it! What drives me to work hard? well… I think, after all my ideas happen, I will rest for a while.
how to swim in this sea of ideas?
When I start to write this post, I knew just one resolution, which inspired me to write this overall.
- Each second day I make 5 sketches, another day I make one art journal sketch. Quality worth more than quantity. this should be fully dedicated and highly creative!!!!
- Each day I choose the best work and share one photograph on Pinterest
- I practice Yoga every day, if there is no alternative exercising. Although I make each session different adding new postures each day. 20-45 minutes
- Every week I must read 70 pages minimum
- Yoga has high priority, if incompleteness of other activities will not destroy my life
- Minimum time should be spent on Hindi daily is 15 minutes, expanding up to 45 minutes
- 7C is enough to start running for 25-45 minutes
- This year I promise to keep my house clean and my body cared
This is it up to now. I hope I will update this entry with new resolutions. Oh God of me! help my ideas to happen, help me to stay on top!!!!
Sat preparation and essay skills development
Something happens with me and this sense forces me to change my life. Interesting wether the desire to reform every single state of being is normal and natural or not.
I haven’t told about that before but I’m going to to take one exam. The exam is SAT actually. Being honest I could say that I need some commenters here to help me in my writing skills development. I mean I would try to write as often as possible, making those entries close in style to the kind of essays and need people’s opinion and correction!!!
This stage I also would manage and give some time for essays every or hardly every day. Especially when it would turn to the test very closely, I think I would be worried a lot because of all the preparation process. I think that it’s possibly not me only pass the exam and look for some people who could help to prepare for sat at all. Maybe I just searched not well but I haven’t found any SAT preparation blogs or communities where people could exchange their skills to one another. We should run that kind of blog or organize the community to share our experience and motivate each other. Also we could share some books or test and question examples there what is very important.
That is actually hard for me to open those kind of things because I’m afraid of disturbing my possible result in future. But by this moment I need that support and your knowledge also. On addition, it would be great to start this community and work together!!!
Очередной пост о том как все хорошо
Сейчас старалась не начинать пост со своих слов-паразитов, что мне удалось, так как только я его начала.
Все по-тихоньку как-то идет, очень неспешно, может оно и хорошо, что так. Работа пропала, хотя ее было приличное количество. То есть для меня она сама как факт была новинкой. Но, конечно, после всех моих бесчисленных серьезных экзаменов, подготовка к которым занимает сейчас все мое время(которое не занято работой)…. О я буду опять работать в общем, все клево. А у людей там как, интересно… Все же по странам по отпускам разьехались….
Все разьехались по своим городам и странам, так что сижу одна, стараюсь работать с переменным успехом. Вот такая у меня особенность – мне нужно ощущение близких людей рядом и знать, что стоит мне закончить работу, и я встречу людей, буду с ними гулять и разговаривать. Сейчас жизнь слишком тосклива. Я имею в виду эти несколько дней после возвращения с алтая (даже не помню говорила ли я про Алтай) когда никого из моим знакомых и любимых нет поблизости. Так что у меня осталась только моя работа и все мои активности, вот не радуют они одиноко человека… А дел-то много, завались…. Не знаю сейчас как бы мне картинку свою обычную вставить…
Стенограффия-2012 в Екатеринбурге
Последние три дня я провела в Екатеринбурге на фестивале уличного искусства, который стартовал 29го июля и продлится впоть до сентября. Не буду писать об этом очень много, ибо не смогу выразить всего словами как обычно, и получится какая-то размазня, а не нормальный отчет. Позвонили мне за несколько дней до фестиваля очень хорошие приятели из арт-группы «ЛюдиСтен» и попросили подменить там третьего человека, который к моему счастью отказался.
Как я уже сказали, мы провели там совсем немного времени, наш рабочий день длился около 12 часов, остальное время мы только гуляли по улицам и даже не заглянули на фестиваль независимой японской анимации, афишу которой я сразу приметила, и думала, как бы было здорово сходить… на самом деле, город настолько красив, что это не такое большое упущение. Вернее, упущением можно было назвать, если бы мы туда все-таки пошли. Это было наше общее осознанное решение.
Организаторы фестиваля очень милые и добрые люди. Одна девушка, рассматривая обстановку офиса, откопала винил Radiohead, узнав, что он принадлежит начальнику, просто упала от восхищения. Жаль, что я этого оценить не могу, музыки слушаю не так много, и вся она приходит вместе со знакомыми, так что даже исполнителей любимых я не знаю. Однако, не смотря на то, какие они все милые и хорошие, организационный процесс нас просто убил. От этого мы вместо трех дней, красили ~3*6м стенку где-то около 24-х часов!!! Весь первый дкеь мы сидели перед ней и просто ожидали, когда нам привезут краски и леса. В итоге в пять часов вечера только привезли акрил, сказали, что лесов не будет вообще, но будут лестницы, которых мы тоже ждали очень и очень долго.
На это, я думаю, можно жаловаться часами, но самое главное в этом были именно эти замечательные прогулки. Город поражал постоянно, по-крайней мере меня. Постоянно пресладовала мысль, что я нахожусь, если не в России, то минимум в каком-то другом ее устройстве. Возможно это только взгляд со стороны только. Каждый день помимо нас троих был коренной екатеринбуржей, который порою рассказывал очень интересеные истории. Не смотря на то, что он несколько раздражал одну из моих спутниц, которая постоянно порывалась уйти(а я бы ушла вместе с нем, потому что остальные двое, как я поняла, были по-меньшей мере очень хорошими друзьями), я настолько жадная до информации, что ходила и слушала только. И конечно же, любовалась метной архитектурой, которая прекрасна. Конструктивна и, господи, прости мне мою необразованность!, так отражает!
Как можно видеть с высоты самого высокого здание на этой широте(как сообщили мне все по очереди) город весьма небольшой, однако, насколько он своеобразен! Обойти его можно пешком за один день и нисколечко не устать. С высоты смотровой площадки «Высоцкого» можно проследить планировку городу, которая, как нам рассказали, очень восхитила архитекторов Новосибирска. Ну что, еще раз попросим небеса о помощи? Я хочу так уметь и более того, так делать!!!
Путешествие было замечательным, итог нашей работы пока вот:
Надеюсь, что выложат фотографии по-лучше, отход был маленький, к сожалению, приезжайте – сами посмотрите. Адрес: Попова, 27 J
жизненные преобразования, о которых потом…
Мы (то есть, Мария Первая, конечно же) начинаем жить не потихоньку, а прямо совсем-совсем живем. надежда на хорошую жизнь перерастает в уверенность, которой, я, однако, жду. а именно, жду диплома. поверите, нет? да-да! хочу получить настоящий диплом о высшем образовании, ходить с высоко поднятой головой, и говорить, что я магистр. магистр чего? ах, кто бы мог подумать… но пока я все карты раскрывать не стану, ибо сама еще не в чем не уверена. но точно знаю, что жизнь будет хорошая. какому богу надо молиться, чтобы все получилось здорово? но не смотря ни на какие мои переживания, следует помнить, что все пока идет очень даже не плохо, и жить надо всегда уверенно. не потому что один раз живем, а потому что бояться-то нечего. все же хорошо!!!
я бы очень хотела увидеть здесь комменты, говорящие о том, что я права. давайте подбадривать друг друга!
и еще, я люблю дома, конструкции и… еще раз люблю конструкции!!!
pay it forward
today i saw a movie. that is not important now how orderly could my words sound. but i want to tell about the movie. its name is ‘pay it forward’. i think that everybody must to absorb the idea. i’m just impressed right now and it’s also hard to explain. i think that is what we all need. we need to be brave enough to do good things, to help people. and also try to change the whole world with that. it’s just a Math but about people. if we all just will do our small things. and at least three good deals are totally enough for the world. i always wished to do something like that. but you know that’s so bad somebody must be hurted to people understand that there is nothing to be afraid of. because that is more important if you get the result of your trying. and also here is more important to try. i hope that i can try. everybody has their own story, skills and possibilites. something we can do, and it could be even not too hard for us but very huge for others. then everything in the world will work and work for good. i read a big article before watching. the article was about a movement of paying forward. and also am going to follow them. i’m not going to change the world. i’m going to change myself. and also not that movie told me about but helped me to realize that there is nothing scary to be good.
we have to be good by ourselves
Между тем жизнь становится все страшнее и страшнее. не смотря на то, что дни приобретают все более беззаботный оттенок. кошмарная занятость целыми днями, кучи планов, однако я становлюсь все большим и большим психом. ситуация становится все запутаннее, теперь я вообще не знаю, что и думать. как одногруппники ухитряются так неплохо жить? совсем не переживать ни о чем… мне почти двадцать… и я очень хочу быть самостоятельной и независимой. а больше и сказать-то нечего. я хочу стабильности.
развод ли будет в этом доме, или нет, но смотря на то, насколько мой отец кто-либо хотел жить хорошо, я понимаю, что возможно, мне правда в этой жизни ничего не поможет. проблема в том, что я-то как раз оочень хочу жить хорошо. обидно то, что у него был шанс жить отлично, и тогда все было бы просто замечательно для всех. но смотрю на него, и боюсь, что вот так никто не хочет. ведь вот она, проблема! в нежелании жить лучше. я знаю, что мне нужно это чертово образование, но ведь мне никто так и не сказал, что оно нужно.
больше нужна поддержка. ее нет. совсем тяжело…
начинаю писать и думаю сразу на английском. только потом вспоминаю, что планировала сегодня писать по-русски, и что стоит перевести свои мысли обратно на свой язык, который мистическим образом начинает терять свою логику. даже не потому что я английский хорошо знаю, а просто потому что я перестаю понимать все это вообще.
что происходит, и что случится дальше? все становится слишком непредсказуемым. либо слишком предсказуемым. в мире случается лишь то, для чего созрело достаточное количество предпосылок, когда созрела основа… созрела ли я для той взрослой жизни, о которой я все время мечтаю? в голове крутится только мысль: беги, беги, и найди работу.
я похожа на… на кого? в том и дело, я боюсь этой мечты. записать всю эту жизнь… записать все мои мечты – и они никогда не сбудутся… почему стоит лишь открыто сказать, начать обсуждать мечту, которая is about to come true, она махает хвостиком и убегает?
Маша, тебя Бог хранит…
я не поеду в Малайзию, хотя мечтала об этом. я должна сказать, что нахождение в границах этого государства – мука для меня. я мечтала о заграничном отпуске, где люди не знают этого нелогичного языка, чтобы дышать. дышать воздухом, что так далек от этой русской тоски… что могло отменить Малайзию, когда все было настолько решено…? господи, Бог храни все людей на Земле, кто бы они не были и откуда бы они не были. я не смогу сказать этого вслух, так как по словам, я могу получить пулю в лоб за то, что могу выделить каких-либо людей, даже для того, чтобы отдельно поприветствовать их за то, что кто-то может быть против них. чего я не понимаю, и никогда понять не смогу. да и не хочу понимать…
мир закрыт, но я должна его открыть.
сегодня я еще поделаю наброски и буду учить хинди
thinking about life
today i think about life really something is very difficult for me. and now the problem is bank services!!! i’m even ready to pay for that. to people who could explain me and to make the payment system proper. i don’t know how it works!!!
once i tried to use paypal, it didn’t work with me and my money lost!! it was just not much money but the fact is, my money have been lost!! just now i read that every payment to India and from India was canceled, so does it mean that Paypal would work with me if i would work not with India? i hope so, because not long ago i’ve heard that paypal doesn’t work with Russia either. but i have a profile there and also once i even sent some money with that… just would it work with me if i try one more time?
also now is a very difficult situation with my university as it takes too much time of me!!! people told me it’s quite impossible to work and study the first year but i want so much!!! ahhh, i tired to stay like a child… i need to believe in myself and also make money!!! yeaaaah…. one month of studying remains… one month… wish me good luck people, now the busiest month is going…
then i’m going to take job searching more serious…